head trauma

Feeling rushed and nervous all the time is awful. That's one of the things that know is beyond my control. I come to take things for the most part, as they are. Everything is beautiful. Even the things I find disgusting are beautiful and I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I really dislike any form of criticism for things in a present state of being. I just feel like there isn't a set balance with constant and unnecessary input in matters of open expression.
I used to never really be a fan of anti-climactic movies. Perspective changed for me because it's more of a reflection of life, without start or end. It just is. You don't really remember your beginning and you're sure as hell not going to remember the end. With that you don't really know where the middle is. It's not melodramatic and there is no wildly significant point to why life is, it just is. There's always fighting and there's always a reason to make things more than what it is but the truth is however much more boring for the fact. I prefer that. Not to state it in a way where it may seem negative. I don't see it that way at all.
Dissection destroys all illusion and romance in sparkles of mystery. What's most intriguing is the familiarity of what's misunderstood. Everything is taboo and therefore the idea of "strange" or "odd" has a suppressed allure. You can't hide what you really feel from yourself, it's just there. Whether how horrible, lewd, or disgusting you were learned to take it as. Fear is the number one incentive for a tight moral structure, then it goes as follows with repressed lust, dishonesty and greed but I suppose that comes hand in hand. Some people don't concern themselves with issues because they honestly believe it right. Those individuals tend to prove a "belief" sometimes out of spite. It's not the self interest of change but the change of something other than self interest. At a certain point, there becomes too much self involvement in anything and everything.

I think I may be depraved.

Obviously, that was a choice I was eager to accept after realizing how low my self esteem really is. But when it comes to being overlooked, it comes rather easily.


Another revelation of mine is that I don't really hate anyone, I just don't care. I mean I really don't care. I never knew apathy can run so deep in my veins to the point where morality is just a grey cloud of smoke that wafts right out of me after a long and emotionally distressing day. But to someone like me, everyday is emotionally distressing.
Without having to be extremely insecure about myself as it is, I have the overwhelming guilt of disappointing my loved ones and not really doing anything about it. I'll continue to do nothing about it because that's just the kind of person I really am.

I don't like being disappointed, and in turn I don't like anyone else being disappointed in me. That's why isolating myself from other people tends to be one of my very many useless talents I seem to have. A defense mechanism if you will. Keep your standards low so you'll never be disappointed. No one's surprised by the way I am anymore, it's not shocking, just expected. Having people expect so little from me isn't really much of an incentive to get anything more out of me. It kind of just brings me down even more. I guess I'm weak-willed but there aren't very many strong willed role models I've had to look up to. I think my expectations should seep down further into my bloodline.

It's depressing, yeah sure. But with a downward spiral of narcissism growing at an alarming rate, I give my permission to once again become overlooked. That's alright. I'm just bitching anyway.