I think I may be depraved.

Obviously, that was a choice I was eager to accept after realizing how low my self esteem really is. But when it comes to being overlooked, it comes rather easily.


Another revelation of mine is that I don't really hate anyone, I just don't care. I mean I really don't care. I never knew apathy can run so deep in my veins to the point where morality is just a grey cloud of smoke that wafts right out of me after a long and emotionally distressing day. But to someone like me, everyday is emotionally distressing.
Without having to be extremely insecure about myself as it is, I have the overwhelming guilt of disappointing my loved ones and not really doing anything about it. I'll continue to do nothing about it because that's just the kind of person I really am.

I don't like being disappointed, and in turn I don't like anyone else being disappointed in me. That's why isolating myself from other people tends to be one of my very many useless talents I seem to have. A defense mechanism if you will. Keep your standards low so you'll never be disappointed. No one's surprised by the way I am anymore, it's not shocking, just expected. Having people expect so little from me isn't really much of an incentive to get anything more out of me. It kind of just brings me down even more. I guess I'm weak-willed but there aren't very many strong willed role models I've had to look up to. I think my expectations should seep down further into my bloodline.

It's depressing, yeah sure. But with a downward spiral of narcissism growing at an alarming rate, I give my permission to once again become overlooked. That's alright. I'm just bitching anyway.